Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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