it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
