I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
