I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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