highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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