i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
