The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
