Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
