Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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