i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
