I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
what is it with giant penises always finding me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
