I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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