I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
