i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
