well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
