I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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