drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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