Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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