You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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