I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
