I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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