i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
