Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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