we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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