Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
