Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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