I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
