This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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