I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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