i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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