i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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