Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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