After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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