in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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