he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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