you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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