it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
