i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize