Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
