my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
