I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
