listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
