I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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