I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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