he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize