the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
