he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
