I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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