thus making me awesome and them whores
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize