you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
