I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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