the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize