He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
