please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
