The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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