girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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