Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
