UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
