My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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