Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i've created a new STD.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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