the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
